Miss Santas

Last weekend we went to NYC for anniversary celebrations and early Christmas. For the last few years we have been fortunate to have our trip coincide with Santa Con or Santa Convention. The premise is that young professionals take a Saturday before Christmas and celebrate . Somehow this has become a national celebration coordinated in most major cities of the US. NYC seems to have the best because of the ease of mass transportation. This year seemed to be the largest that we have viewed as all areas of Midtown was filled with hundreds of young men and women dressed for Christmas. The event in NYC was threatened to be cancelled this year because of such bad behavior last year, but the story goes that the participants raised $14,000 in 2011 for charity. I don't know how they raised money but it had to do with patronizing the bars. It seems that Santa Con is a massive pub crawl for young professionals, both men and women. Grand Central Station was awash with every variety of Christmas attire as the young celebrants converged by subway. There were Santas, elves, Miss Santas , and even GingerBread cookies. The most common element was that all were enjoying themselves,  mostly aided by containers of alcohol. As the day progressed they got happier and louder. We saw hundreds in Times Square cavorting to Christmas music. One comely lady was wearing a hat made of a fringed lampshade. There was a new "Naked Cowboy" who was about a foot shorter than the real , original Naked Cowboy. This one was a Latin man accompanied by a Naked Cowgirl.An original idea we hadn't seen in Kentucky were Salvation Army Bell ringers dancing to Motown music as they rang their bells. Only in the Big Apple. One drunken Santa stepped aside for Sandy and I as we exited the subway turnstile. I said,"Thanks Santa" and he said "you Know it".One group of young men came staggering down the sidewalk on 44th street as we were waiting in line for "Rock of Ages". They were wearing plaid pajamas and dirty Santa Caps. Obviously three sheets in the wind , you could smell the alcohol half a block away. Loud and boisterous as they were, they didn't create a disturbance. All in all it was a very interesting way to spend a Saturday in Manhattan. I had seen pub crawls on St. Patricks Day on Folly Beach, but even drunken girls in bikinis couldn't compete with Santa Con. The weather was extraordinarily warm and the food at the New York Luncheonette was as good as always. The hotel staff was not a disappointment as they were as aloof and haughty as always. What do you expect for $400 a night?? The cab rides were as terrifying as we have come to expect, and Central Park was full of people sightseeing or skating at Wolman Rink, Trump's name on everything. It was in fact the New York we go to see. The huge tree in Rockefeller Center was the prettiest I've seen in years and crowds were as huge as ever. It seems the recession doesn't affect Manhattan. Leave Lexington on a little jet and touch down at LaGuardia in one hour and twenty minutes. From race horse farms to drunken pretty Santa Maids in 80 minutes. What a Life!Viva NYC.

Not Much Time Left

December 21st. That's the last day folks . According to all of cable tv and the Doomsday Preppers our meat gets cooked in just eleven short days. I haven't heard exactly how this is to come about but the National Geographic Channel has to be right. As I have previously written this has come about because Mayan scholars have discovered a 3000 year old stone calendar that just stops. No one has factored in that the Mayans were stone age people that sacrificed each other to appease their gods. I think personally that the Mayan calendar carver just got tired and quit!Maybe  his Mayan wife told him she was leaving him if he didn't get a better job, and guess what ?The calendar ended and three thousand years later we are all quaking in our Guccis.Why modern day America is so ready for a catastrophic end is beyond my comprehension. For centuries humanity has feared or welcomed the end.Was it just last year that the old minister in California called the end for October?When it didn't happen he said he had "miscalculated".We are all fascinated with UFOs, Big Foot , Ancient Aliens, and Ghost hunters. Look at the History Channel, A and E, and National Geographic.All used to have credibility, yet now they cater to the crack pots of society.And Turtle Man?? Aren't we as Kentuckians proud of the image he gives us?My friend from Vashon Island ,Washington was in last October and was deeply concerned about the upcoming Presidential election. He is an investment banker so its pretty obvious who he was going to vote for, but he seems to have been the only person to vote that way on the entire West Coast. Not only did he lose his vote for President, but he also let Washington State vote heavily for same sex marriage as well as allowing the recreational use of marijuana. Needless to say my conservative friend is not a happy man.I don't know who the Turtle Man and Neal voted for , and I don't want to know. I think Kentucky decriminalized Marijuana years ago. Maybe that's why we have had Big Foot Sightings in our own state. The whole point of this rambling is that I think there is not much recognizable of The United States Of America that was the leader of the world. The Fiscal Cliff?? I would trust that there could be a meeting of minds that could compromise and get our country back on track.The political parties are too busy pointing fingers to realize that the problems need to be addressed. Back to important matters at hand I am trying to decide what will be the appropriate thing to be doing on the 21st , the last day for all. Last year Sandy went to a wedding when the old guy said the vend was coming. I didn't go to the wedding because I didn't want that to be my final act, so I stayed home and watched TV . I'm taking this threat seriously this year and have not decided my final actions. I know what I'm not going to be doing:I'm not going to be at Sam's Club buying Prilosec and I'm not going to be at some Christmas Party chatting with a bunch of Drunk yuppies that I don't like. It brings to mind when archaeologists excavated the ancient ruins of Pompeii after the volcanic eruption killed the entire city. The people and their homes were preserved under layers of dust . The bodies had deteriorated yet left impressions like a mold that the archaeologists poured concrete in to recreate their final actions and body positions, even down to facial expressions. I wonder what future archaeologists will find our final actions of the 21st?Dave told me that anyone in a plane wouldn't be destroyed when the end came. What?? He said it would just be the earth. I'm glad he is leading our county government. He should be in Washington helping our leaders. They all seem to share thought processes. So this Friday we're going to NYC for Christmas and Santa Con.We're going to see "Rock of Ages" again and Sandy wants to see "The Book of Mormon". I thought we had just had a year of that with Mitt. I hope the play is better than Mitt. What can a play about Mormons be about?? Polygamy???Seagulls eating grasshoppers??They had mentioned that Tim and his posse were going to see the Radio City Christmas Program at 9am on Sunday morning. I hope we don't go because I don't think I will be able to sleep through it that early in the morning.I have slept through that show at least 2 times and The Phantom as well but that was during the regular night shows.Last year I slept through Harry Connick's play. It didn't do much for me. I'm still thinking what I want to be doing at the end, and one possibility would be going to Orange Leaf Yogurt for orange yogurt.Another distinct location would be the Half Price Bookstore in Hamburg. You could find my remains in the sale rack of cds.I could also be consulting with a colleague who recently won a position on the Stanford City Council. I was out of the office one day but he came to visit, and left me a message that he wanted to talk to me about how to be an effective ass hole on the council.Boy my legacy lived past my tenure as a politician!My worries may be without merit however , as my friend Bob the Banker gave me his word that the end is not coming on the 21st. He personally guaranteed it!There are still some loose ends to consider .Dave didn't tell me how the plane would land if the world was destroyed, and what is cable tv going to air if it doesn't happen?As far as the search for Big Foot, In think that Rene chick biologist on the show is actually half big foot herself, the love child of the Skunk ape and Janet Reno. That is only a theory at this stage that could be tested by DNA samples if we survive.OK my choice for locations for future archaeologists to find my remains is Rita's Cafe on Folly Beach South Carolina or Hymans in downtown Charleston.When the concrete hardens they will see a smile on my face as I was devouring flounder .NYC on Friday,New York Luncheonette in Midtown Friday night for our 39th Anniversary. Could this be true?? Sandy is a true martyr.

Dog Days

Well this certainly is starting off well as I have used one finger to type nearly an hour of incoherent thoughts, only to hit some some damn obscure key and lose it all!! Somewhere in cyberspace is a worthless attempt of a 63 year old man to cry out in frustration at the shortcomings of the world I live in in July of 2012. A mindless act of murder has ended 12 innocent lives and changed forever the lives of thousands of people that didn't deserve such an atrocity. This maniac will cost society millions of dollars to arrive at an obvious conclusion. The orange- haired son of a bitch is insane.Now what? News people said Colorado might seek the death penalty. He will spend the rest of his life in maximum security on our dollar.And Batman? How many times are we going to do the Super Heroes? I know about box office draws, but is this what creativity has been reduced to? What ever happened to Hollywood ? The Graduate? The Sting? Butch Cassidy and Sundance? Steve McQueen or Humphrey Bogart? I saw Dark Shadows , thinking it would be entertaining. Wrong. Johnny Depp seemed to be torn between being asleep or being bored. And what is this Vampire shit?? Snow White ? There seems to be a shortage of talented actors and actresses. All the actors seem to be a bunch of skinny assed little men in tight suits waiting to come out of the closet. Anderson Cooper what are you thinking? Kardashians you all make me long for Brittney and Paris. I read Kim bought Kayne a new Lamborghini. I'm ashamed I wrote that or even knew that. I own no music by Kanye West or the Dixie Chicks, so I guess that shows where I am at this stage in life. So now little Tom Cruse and the Scientologists are on full damage control. Matt how can you be so glib? Oprah is interviewing people again, but who cares. Some woman has written a book about sado masochism and has sold billions of copies to chicks . I think Sandy has a copy on the Kindle. Damn that could be scary.Our local high school has been placed under the direction of the state department of education. It seems the local leadership and educators have not the foggiest idea of how to climb out of the depths of incompetence. I saw one middle course offering was teaching texting on smart phones. Now come on, you're joking , right? They also are doing away with teaching writing. Who makes these decisions?? Our leaders . It's called the dumbing of America.I think they should make a movie about Chicken Little And The Falling Sky. Kayne West could be the chicken. About now I'm wondering who is Romney's Veep Choice will be. That's going to be interesting. They're already planning a Veep debate at Centre College and Romney doesn't have a running mate yet. Here we are the last of July.That only leaves three months. I suggest he choose Turtle Man. He can't be any
dumber than Joe Biden, and at least they could use him to keep critters out of the White House. Come to think of it that would a full time job. Kentucky has risen in the esteem of the world with Turtle Man and Neal. Haven't we? But you know they really are more entertaining than some of our other entertainers. Speaking of which we will soon be entertained by the debut of the University of Kentucky Football season. Think of it as a climate of contrasts. On the one hand we have Coach Cal and the Big Blue Nation. Then we have Joker and Unwinnables. Ticket sales are down for football in anticipation of yet another losing season. Maybe they should allow Kentucky to use a round ball for football. I don't think it would hurt , but that's only a suggestion. Or maybe the state department of education could take over the football team like they did our high school.It can't hurt. A final suggestion would be for Joker to help Neal and Turtleman on Animal Planet.No Bowls in sight.

Wired to the Max

It has become apparent that Sandy Kay and I have had a role reversal in the use of technology. Now that she has become the CFO of our company with all the privileges that come with the position ,she has wired herself into the world of instant communication and knowledge. Now this is not entirely a surprise as she knows a lot about computers and their uses, but she has been slow to embrace the concepts on a daily practical level, that is until her entry into the Iphone world. Now she goes frequently onto Itunes and buys apps of all forms. I vividly remember driving to jobsites last year and hearing sounds coming from her phone like anguished souls from the pits of hell. What is that, Sandy? Angry Birds.Hell it sounded more like angry hogs rooting in the front of the car. Then there was the infamous weather app. She casually mentioned that she had downloaded a weather alert app. She didn't tell me that the thing would go off with a tremendous gong at three o'clock in the morning. The first time it was a heavy fog warning!At three in the morning. I was sitting up in the bed with a 38 special at high alert.For a fog warning no less. Now she has streaming and wifi in the house and watches movies in bed on her little phone. I wasted a lot of money on a 32 inch tv that she doesn't watch. We'll be on the road and I ask about the weather and she pulls up the radar and then tells me the forecast for the next week,for Daytona as well. I don't know why Daytona, but I don't know a lot of things. We are officially signed up to Icloud, but it took 12 hours to transfer my music to the cloud. Now Sandy has 24 hour access to Rod Stewart singing the classics from her own little Cloud. If she is not on the Iphone then she is reading her books via Kindle, and occasionally the old fashioned book. We have a promise from Amazon that her new Kindle Fire is shipping out the thirteenth of this month. We tried to buy one this week in several WalMarts, but they were all sold out. I promised her we would find one in the Corbin WalMart since people in Corbin can't or refuse to read, but even they were sold out. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of this latest addition to our stable of technology. You can download apps on it, and it is in color. She has been reading about this strange girl with a tattoo, and then she and the old girls went to see it at the movies. It actually sounded like a movie I would have liked with nudity and violence, but Clint Eastwood wasn't in it so I didn't go. Actually I wasn't invited. I think the only people going to the show are chicks and husbands trying to make up for really bad behavior.I'm listening to AC/DC at the moment very loudly, and I feel my hearing slipping away. We went out with a friend and his family the other night and I kept calling the 7 year old"Jake" ,and Sandy told me that his name is "Jace" after we all said goodbye. Jace and Jake are very close together in my aging ears. It could have been worse as I could have called him John or Jim. B counds like D, but Jimmy Page still screams like I remember. I think I will sneak Kashmir on Sandy's Iphone and tell her it's a new song by Rod Stewart, or maybe his cousin. Maybe not as I'm not exactly in her best graces at this moment, but there's always Fergie. Or Beyonce. Or Led Zeppelin. Can you believe that silly assed Kardashian bunch are still on tv??

Troy on 50th Street

Here it is the 2nd of January, 2012,and Mother Nature has finally decided for winter to appear. Tonight is supposed to have a low of 16 degrees and tomorrow a high of the low twenties.It is snowing outside for the first accumulation of the year. Today we were cruising down I-75 just outside of Mt. Vernon when all hell broke loose as a sudden snow squall had victimized the lanes, and people driving too fast got in a world of trouble very quickly. There were at least two wrecks in the south-bound lanes in less than a mile. Earlier today there was a thirty car pileup in Grant County that threatened to take seven hours to clean up. Either way I have a job in Wooten, Kentucky that I have to visit tomorrow. Wooton is on old US 80 toward Hazard , Kentucky.Take a right at Wooton and you're headed to Cutshin. The job has taken a lot of time but the results are certainly outstanding. Back in November we went to the Yum Center in Louisville to see Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band. The concert was great, and the antics of the audience was even more entertaining. About ten minutes into the show some aging hippies lit up a huge joint down in front of us, prompting Sandy to ask what was burning and what was that smell? I'm guessing that they didn't smoke as much grass at Western Kentucky University as they did at Eastern Kentucky University. You never can tell about Sandy because she can always keep a poker face. It was apparent that the woman in front of us kept hitting that joint every time it came toward her. The thing had $20 worth of marijuana in it as it was as big as an old Prince Edward stogie. I had a contact high for half the show. There is nothing more demoralizing than watching post-50 year old women dancing to Bob Seeger, high on dope and $7 beer. I honestly had twinges of fear as the old blonde to my left would end her drug induced gyrations with violent kicks, something she was working on in zumba or karate. I don't know which, but the moves were not very pretty in the tight quarters of the Yum Center. Bob just kept on singing. In retrospect I thought about how conscious people are about germs nowadays , and how they are carrying industrial size bottles of sanitation lotions all over the country. Yet these otherwise normal people were sharing saliva from complete strangers as they shared illicit marijuana joints while enjoying Bob Seger's music. I wonder if they thought about this the next morning? On a recent trip to New York I realized that the most common smell throughout the weekend was the smell of this liquid hand sanitizer. It almost overpowers the normally rancid odor of the Subways. I think we are seriously overdoing the sanitizing thing. There seems to be a prevailing theory called "The Five Second Rule" that postulates the theory that if you drop something on a counter or floor that you pick up in less than 5 seconds that it is okay to eat. That has to be a man's rule because this generation of females are the most germ phobic people since Marie Curie. Hell, I'll eat a bologna sandwich left on a table for two days. These same germ conscious females will let a nasty cat or dog lick their faces but go into convulsions if someone sneezes within a city block.While in New york we saw "Rock of Ages" which is well worth the price of admission. About two rows behind us was Tom Ridge , the first Director of Homeland Security. Somehow I felt a little more secure that Tom was there. He certainly wouldn't be anywhere dangerous. The next afternoon we went to see Harry Connick Jr. in his play,"On a Clear Day You Can See Forever". It sucked but I really needed the rest after two days of walking. It was better than Excedran PM. We were readying ourselves for the trip to JFK on Sunday morning when we nearly ran into Troy Aikmann getting out of a black limo, probably getting ready for Sunday afternoon football. I don't think Troy recognized me.Soon we hailed a bright yellow taxi to the airport. Our Ukranian driver was eating what I thought was cereal and milk out of a bowl, but Sandy said it was something in vinegar.He lit that thing up and I'll have to say it was one of the most horrifying experiences in my life, maybe as bad as when I had to kiss Aunt Ruby as a little kid. I will also admit that I craved hand sanitizer as I propelled myself out of the cab. He proudly proclaimed that he had set a new record going from midtown to JFK. Seventeen Minutes!!No doubt. So here we are immersed in the first week of 2012, and our first snowfall. I'm trying to set up my ICloud account and somehow I just don't have the patience while I Tunes tries to scan my library. I just bought Amy Winehouse's album ,and I know I'm going to miss her. What a loss. I also downloaded Mayer Hawthorne's new album. If you like old Motown then this album does the trick.This 33 year old white kid does Detroit's Motown as good as anyone I know. "The Walk" is hard to beat.I am blessed with good prospects, and several jobs lined up for the new year.There are a lot of people I miss, and I still have some unsettled business back in 1970, but some things you can't get on Delta and fly to. I wish Troy had recognized us.