Snakey Places

Lately I have been reminded of earlier and simplier times back to my childhood. Is this a part of the aging process?? Every day I live I am older than I have ever been before, and it is a frontier area of sorts to me as I don't exactly know if what I am experiencing is normal. Somehow I was reminded of in my youth we would often be out of doors and wandering through nature as kids back then did. Where we grew up in rural central Kentucky was often wooded and overgrown with fast growing shrubs and bushes. Being the country boys that we were, we acquired a lot of knowledge about natures with its wonder and beauty. Along with this beauty were areas of pitfalls and danger if we did not pay attention. We knew that the lawns were covered in white clover that attracted honey bees by the thousands , a fact important if you were barefooted as we normally were. To get stung by the bees was very often a minor part of every day life. I.E, the cost of doing business. Now Red wasps , yellow jackets , and monster hornets were a different matter. These were the bad boys that we knew could put us out of commission for a day. Yellow jackets often lived in nests under ground and had hair triggers when anyone came near. These foul little critters usually paid the price when we were attacked. It only took about a quart of lawn mower gas poured down the tunnel and a big old kitchen match put the icing on the cake. One monster WHOOSH later and often singed body hair brought great satisfaction to stung limbs. We couldn't resist throwing rocks at huge paper hornet nests. Once rattled the hornets woud come out in a black mass looking to have some youthful intruders ass. all too often it was mine . Holy hell those critters packed a punch. I can honestly say that nothing incites fearful memories in me more than having a sleek , black hornit tangled in your hair trying to burrow through to your scalp to sink his industrial stinging probe nearly to your brain. Or the memory of a swarm of monster bumble bees as the descend upon you sounding like a clumsy B-52 , angry at you for banging on the side of an old house where you knew their nest was located. Bumble bees are nature's way of preparing little boys for adult life.As we wandered along between stings , we would come upou areas that we called "snakey". These places would have a better than average probability of having a short tempered serpent as its main resident. Snakey could be a thick blackberry patch, a wooded area overgrown with weeds or a trash laced ditch. We instinctively knew what to avoid and what to expect. Rattle those bushes and a shiny blue racer black snake might roll out on you, ready to do battle. Or it might be a rat snake 6 feet long, more than ample to send us racing home. On a really bad day you might open up door number three and hear an answering rattle from within. Oh Hell! Sorry mr rattler that was a mistake. Walk through the woods and smell cucumber, then turn around. You didn't want to open that door. We usually won the battle of the serpents, but I realize today that every day I encounter areas in business that are just as snaky as in the old days. The only difference is that todays snakes wear pin striped suits and smell like Cool Water instead of cucumber. Like the hornets, these bad boys pack a powerful sting as well. These bombers don't fly with wings but with shiny, black BMWs and 500 SELs. Some sting worse than others, and some have lost their sting. I just know that they live in snakey places and that there seems to be a limitless supply of these old reptiles.Shake the bushes and you never know what comes out. Ask Cleopatra .

Smooth Operator

This past weekend was of monumental importance because it was Derby Day. Now I feel that the Kentucky Derby is one thing in Kentucky that belongs to the entire world. Our soldiers in Iraq even had festivities commemorating the Run for the Roses. This year was a tragedy as the mare running in 2nd place brokedown after crossing the finish line. Brokedown is not good as her front ankles broke from the race and she was irrepairably damaged; damaged to the point of having to be euthanized. Immediately all animal activists want to stop horse racing. I even saw it compared to Michael Vick's dog fighting. Have you ever watched horses in a field? Horses don't have Laze Boy Recliners and video games. They race and run for fun.Those idiots from PETA even want to stop the KFC people from killing chickens. What are chickens going to be used for if not drumsticks and tenders?? We shouldn't eat eggs because of cholestrol, so this pretty well limits conversation about chickens. I'm still reeling over the fact that we have Hillary, Barack, And McCain who are the sole contenders for President. What has happened to our country? The Marines are looking for a few good men but these three duds just don't do it for me.I would vote for Condaleeza Rice in a second, so don't throw the woman/race argument at me. So Derby is over and the stars who came to Louisville have mostly departed. I am amazed at the star losers that are invited to the festivities. Anita Madden used to have the best parties in the state , but waved a magic wand and turned Hamburg Race Farm into Hamburg Place, a multi million dollar shopping center. Now most of the festivities are at the homes of the Barnstable Twins who are fading flowers that were UK cheerleaders about a hundred years ago. I keep up with the stars by seeing their photos in the Lexington paper's Sunday edition. I think the stars who attend the Derby Parties are like those who have Concerts at Renfro Valley. They are past their prime and on the way down. One of this years revelers?? Larry Birkhead, whose claim to fame was giving sperm to Anna Nicole Smith. I saw Hef walking along with the three blonde bimbos. Come on Hef , You are old.Does anyone actually believe your old parts still work?? Not Me. So as the Derby was gearing up on Saturday, we cut lawns and worked on slummy houses. I didn't even know until Sunday who won.Honestly I was more excited when Kyle Busch spun Junior out at Richmond with 3 laps to go. I was trying so hard to like Kyle up to this point but I like Junior better. The only redeeming thing about the Derby has always been the infield area where alcohol and narcotics have ruled the day . Beads , mud wrestling , and drunken brawls would make me feel pretty much at home among the true Louisville Sluggers.Remember Kato Kalin?? He used to be a standard guest at Derby Parties. Maybe he and Larry Birkhead ought to start some kind of business together, anything that didn't necessarily involve intelligence. There seems to be a large market out there for such enterprises. Joey Fatone was also in attendance. I saw him in Rent. What does he do now?? Call Larry and Kato.The crown of my weekend was buying Sade's greatest hits cd at the Half-price bookstore. I always loved"Smooth Operator", and still do. Born 49 years ago to an English mother and A Nigerian father, this Babe can sing.Sade,I just love to say the name.SHAR-DAY.Sade was not in attendance at any party I read about.I guess I'm going to listen to all 18 or 19 tracks on my next trip to Tennessee.I probably would vote for Sade over Barack. Am I the only one who can't hear what he says for looking at his goofy looking ears? Hillary would have worn a sophisticated hat to the Derby with a grey pantsuit.What has this world come to? Even the sweet little girls are drinking Southern Comfort now.As long as they're sipping it to "Smooth Operator" I guess its ok and I won't tell.

Elves

On Friday I was cruising up HWY 58 in Virginia on my way to a jobsite in Pennington Gap. As I neared Rose Hill I decided to stop at this little Amish Bakery store to buy Sandy Kay some bread. Sandy would rather have fresh baked bread than roses anyday, and who am I to argue? Have you checked the price of a dozen roses lately? As I entered the tiny sales room I noticed this little, miniature Amish girl looking up at me, nibbling on some sort of chip. I would guess she was about two years old, and dressed in a little blue Amish dress with white athletic shoes, or how athletic can a baby just walking be?I asked her what was her name and she just looked at me . About that time her older brother of about 6 or 7 years old walked to her side. He was wearing a pale blue shirt , buttoned at the neck with suspenders holding up his blue jeans. I asked him what his little sister's name was and he said"Veronica". That bewildered me as I didn't think this sounded very Amish, and I asked him what his name was. "Duane", he replied. Duane?? Now I was confused. Is Duane an Amish name or is there such a thing as Amish names? I'm certainly not a sociological theologist, and know little about Amish except they bake good bread and drive their buggys too slow in traffic. I was thinking about this as I chose sourdough, honey oat , and jalapena cheese bread. As I headed to pay at the counter I noticed another little lad had appeared and was also looking up at me over his blue shirt and suspenders. Obligingly I asked him ,"What's your name?" "Caleb". Now we're getting someplace!!I told him," That's a good name", and he just nodded his little head. The clerk whom I took to be their mother was devoid of makeup, and was early thirtish, wearing the funky little white cap and somber black and blue clothing. Don't ask me why but I asked her if the three little ones were the Keebler Elves, and she didn't have any concept of what I was asking. I suddenly thought: No TV, No Keebler commercials. Anyone who could bake like this clan certainly didn't use their Amish Bank Debit cards on store- bought cookies.She handed me the change from my twenty , and I realized she knew a lot about Dead Presidents and business. As I was exiting and holding the door for this fat assed young woman, I thought about telling her she needed Jenny Craig more than Amish baked goods, but I'm not exactly a slender waif myself. As I got into the wrecked automobile I thought how interesting it would be to take the whole little Amish family down HWY 58 at 80 MPH , playing Carlos Santana at deafening volume. What would they think? We could have an exchange program where I could ride a few miles in the back seat of one of their horse drawn buggys. I don't know what we'd talk about, but it certainly wouldn't be about Keebler elves. Come to think of it that little mother would probably turn a few eyes with some make up, some high heeled Jimmy Choos, and a DKNY little black dress. I wonder if they have child restraint seats for little Veronica in that buggy?? I kinda look like an aging Amish elder myself . Maybe the three kids thought I belonged to the clan. I think the black Ralph Lauren shirt threw them off a little, or it could have been the lack of suspenders. These folks are pretty uptight with outsiders so maybe I'll lay off Santana and play them a little Gnarls Barkley for them.I really can't mess with them too much because my happiness at home involves their baked goods.Like I said , roses cost too much and I'm always in significant problems at the little slum house.Man I feel old today.