Cold Day in May

Today is May 14, 2006 and Mother's Day in the state of Kentucky , as well as the rest of these United States of America. Today has also been cloudy, dreary, and cold as the well digger's ass.May should be a time of blue skies and butterflies, and not feel and look like November. Coupled with Mother's Day was my nephew's graduation on Saturday from the EKU University of Partying and Drinkology. This reminds me that it was 35 years ago that I myself graduated ,or was booted out of this Monument to Intellectual Pursuits. Truthfully I remember drunken sorority girls down on Water Street as they drank beer and danced to Jimmy Stokely and the Exiles more than my academic pursuits. I remember one little red-headed girl who smelled like strawberries and made me an impossibly gross lemon pie that tasted like a combination of play doh and lemons. Her other attributes more than made up for her cooking deficiencies , and I still can't smell strawberries without a smile on my face. I don't believe she would recognize me 35 years later ,and I probably wouldn't know her either.The graduation ceremony lasted far too long and everyone seemed to have something to say that noone wanted to hear , but they told us anyway! Mitch McConnell was awarded an honorary degree and told us his life story in return. My ass became paralyzed and felt rooted to the seat; the African- American lady next to me read her Bible during the fest. I wish I could have slept like during the Phantom of The Opera, but it is difficult to fall asleep at 10:30 AM, especially when your ass is aching. Mitch didn't tell about siccing the Blood hounds on Walter "D" Huddleston nearly 16 years ago to win his seat in the US senate. I grew very,very, very tired of listening to the verboseness of EKU's Lady President, but she is an Attorney and obviously likes to hear herself talk. Next time she should talk about 45 minutes less; maybe Save a Horse and Ride A Cowboy, eh Joann?? The thing finally ended and it was like Times Square at Christmas. Lord, the college was selling refreshments, t-shirts, flowers, and momentos out in the lobby. I was disappointed that there were no alcoholic beverages as I strongly would have considered a stiff drink to wash down Mitch and Joann, much like the cowboys would have done at the end of a trailride. I still can't believe how young these graduates looked out in the lobby as they milled around for pictures. Even more unbelievable was how young their mothers looked. Here we were watching a picture taking frenzy with young mothers in mini-skirts and with tattoos on their slim brown legs! I could have been a father to these babes who had sons and daughters graduating from college. Talk about a downer , my nephew's jubilation at graduation was only matched by my depression of realizing that the past 35 years have sped by at an alarming rate. I think I am going to start visiting rest homes to feel better about my age. I truthfully don't think I ever looked as young as these graduates ,even in elementary school. I'm starting to realize why Ponce De Leon so eagerly sought the Fountain of Youth in the new world. Poor guy, all he found in Florida was sawgrass, mosquitos, and alligators, much the same as I'm finding at work these days.As I was coming from Tennessee last week I saw a bumper sticker that read"My boxer is smarter than your honor student". I probably agree.This whole week is supposed to be rainy and cold. Maybe I can talk to Sandy Kay about driving down to Destin and lying out in that white, snowy looking sand. I could get me some of those mirrored sunglasses and watch the young babes slow broil on the beach; maybe even make myself useful and apply some lotion for them . You know like Changes in Latitude?? Good times and Riches and son of a bitches; you get the picture.In 1971 the Guess Who ruled the airwaves and we were in an unjust war. Today there seems to be a lot of rap music and we are in another war . Some things just don't change . I'm proud of my nephew and thankful we still have mothers, but I'd have been happier if that EKU woman had talked less. At least my ass would have felt better.