State of my Union

It suddenly dawned on me driving from Virginia this week that like the President and Governor of Kentucky, I , too have a state of my union. Unlike the astute gentleman, however, I don't have a chamber of Dignified Senators and Representatives cheering me on.First of all I must recant an earlier oath I took upon being sworn in as a City Councilman. It's that silly assed part about never fighting in a duel or being a second to anyone else in the duel. In my earlier days of education and gamemansship on the athletic field , we would often limp off bleeding and more bruised than if we had engaged in a sissy-assed duel like Burr and Hamilton. I always hold one hand behind my back, fingers crossed as I imply my non dueling status. You can't live on Helm Street without at least calling out some of the rogues. My title on the council is "The Obnoxious One". Self proclaimed at that. I took my mother to the Doctor for a check-up and she goes to Liberty for medical care. My first thought was "third world Country", but she thrives on the people there. My second thought was that the world was having "Ugly People Day " at the clinic. These people had all been ridden hard and put up wet. I think if you visited a clinic in Siberia or Czechslovakia you would have seen the same people. Everyone was coughing and slinging bodily fluids indiscriminately throughout the waiting area. I think there was a distinct possibility of contracting the bird flu in the area. To top off the visit this fruit cakey woman started talking to my mother about "her accident". Seems she was run over in a Wal-Mart with a fork lift and damaged her "cerebellum, her words , not mine . She progressed from her story to crying. Following us out to the car she told of having to take pills to go to sleep and then taking pills to wake up. We left her standing tearfully on the sidewalk. It was most therapeutic.,as she told me she used to think I was good looking. I couldn't help but ask about how I looked now. She didn't answer. Not a good sign when even the Bi-polars won't answer you. I had an equally gratifying time the other night at the Republican meeting. There is this young lad Lawyer who is like all others of his profession who will not act upon anything without a week of deliberation and consultation with others of his breed. What ever happened to free thought and making decisions. Lawyers have to share with insurance companies the blame for most of the bad things in our country. Most attorneys today cannot have sex with their wives or husbands without consultation with their law partners. If they do manage to eke out a little pleasure then they will bill their mate just out of habit. Lawyers are the major make-up of the economy, and have singlehandedly made malpractice suits the reason we can't have medical care at reasonable rates in this country. Talk about weeping over cerebellums, Lawyers don't have courage to make any kind of decisions except after long deliberations. Lawyers were the driving force of the American Revolution and it makes me wonder how they ever got enough concensus to band together and fight. Don't even talk to me about political correctness. In my present state of the union I have no PC. The past two days I got a bucket of grey hair cut off, three teeth filled, and my eyes tested. New glasses will be ordered.Last year I had butt work and the gout. Things will only get worse. I'm not so happy at the moment that I gave my state of the union address. Sometimes it's not so wise to dwell on such things. I want to go to Key West and sit on Duvall street or watch the sunset off Mallory Square. I have a woman who loves me and a Brother-in -law who is divorced . I am going to start celebrating the anniversary of his divorce since he always sends us cards and nice gifts for our anniversary. I'm going to get him a gift certificate with some Casey County hookers to celebrate this year's event .Can't hurt. I know he misses the Skinny Marlboro smoking girls from Williamson, the ones who lived on the side of the mountain in the manufactured home. Sorry, I just realized that I crossed over into Timmy's State of the Union. May all of our cerebellums be happy ones!

Please hurry Spring

Yesterday there were horrific tornados in the South, and Enterprise, Alabama was especially hard hit with a school ripped apart. Several students were killed. I don't think I can comprehend the anguish and grief that such a random act of nature can bring about. I have been through Enterprise several times and it was always a bustling little Southern town bolstered by the raucous sounds of hundreds of US Army helicopters flying overhead and landing from nearby Ft. Rucker. It seemed that spring was always a month or so ahead of us here in Kentucky as we snuck down I-65 towards Destin or Panama City. This is only a drop in the bucket compared to Mississippi and Biloxi, but along with Florida, the South must feel itself cursed. Spring in the South brings on azaleas and other fragrant shrubs. Savannah, Georgia has I think something like 28 perfectly square parks with statues and beautiful flowers that bloom in early spring. When James Oglethorpe laid out the city, he made sure there were gorgeous little pieces of paradise for the citizenry to retreat to after stressful days. One of my favorite memories of Savannah is seeing a huge orange and white Coast Guard helicopter come floating down the Savannah River, all young crewmen hanging out the doors and windows, only 4 or 5 feet above the muddy water. Their turbulance and backwash from the powerful rotors was blowing up the short skirts of the pretty tourist girls walking along the cobbled-stoned walkways of the water front. Certainly a sight old Olglethorpe could have never envisioned.In equal fashion I have been in panhandle Florida in February diving Ginny Springs in radiant mid seventy degree temperatures, only to call back home to find 8 inches of snow and ice in Kentucky. We have cavorted with the manatees in Crystal River and swam in the near unlimited visibility of The Blue Grotto, a deep cave/spring west of Gainesville.It's hard to imagine that only 500 miles south will make such a difference. Spring in Kentucky is often a cold, damp, miserable affair. The Ohio Valley is notorious for fickle weather. Today it is very windy with low 60's. Tomorrow it is forecast for mid 30's with a chance of snow. The bad news is the deep south is expecting more severe weather. Just ask the severe weather expert , Dr. Greg Forbes. I don't know which depresses me the most, weather forecasters or the weather itself. The only breaking news at the moment is maybe they'll bury Anna Nicole some time soon. Can you believe they took time out from Brittany to describe Anna's burial gown??All of February has been inundated with Brittany and Anna, the shows lately have gotten sidetracked on Al Gore's utility bills(20 times the national average). Do you care??3100 have been killed in Iraq and 22000 injured. Walter Reed seems to have had a severe lapse in care, and a two star general has lost his position. Soldiers are still getting killed, yet we as the citizenry feast on the sweet milk of trashy harlots in Hollywood. Is this denial or an escape mechanism? Now don't misinterpret my message. I think we are fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq for what our lives have come to mean. I think we need to take out the short clown of Iran , as well as his little buffoon in Venezuela. Maybe Castro won't last until summer. We can only hope spring comes to our country and warm , moderate weather returns.The croccus are blooming,as well as the earliest daffodils. Daytona was won by Kevin Harvick, and March Madness is once again upon us. Maybe college basketball can wash away the stagnancy of the Hollywood crowd and their endless frivolity.I think I need a change of climate as everything is starting to wear on my nerves. Maybe working for 29 years is long enough. Changes in attitude and changes in latitude. Good times and riches and sons of bitches. If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane. Jimmy Buffett lives in eternal spring, something money allows one to do. But then again Aruba has three seasons: Last summer, this summer,and next summer. That would be pretty boring. The Garden of Eden sometimes has to have diversity. The Garden of Eden was located in Mesopotamia , between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, near Baghdad.Ironic isn't it? Please hurry Spring.