As much as I've written about the antics of travelling on the Interstate Highway System, and often compared it to Nascar, the fact remained that I had never been to a Nascar race. That all changed on August the 6th when Brother-in-law Tim, Politician Dave, Little Darlin'( Dave's son Todd) , and I went to Indianapolis for the Brickyard 400. This was the first venture to this realm for any of us except for Todd, who being in his mid thirties is much younger and more worldly than the rest of us. Todd is a regular ticket holder to both Talledega and his favorite, Bristol. We all quizzed Little Darlin' all the way up 65 from Louisville on Sunday morning of the race and he grudgingly gave us tips on how to enjoy the race and not make fools of our middle-aged selves. First tip to Daddy Dave was he needed to take the sorry-assed pink hatband off his sorry-assed panama straw hat. Todd didn't seem to think there would be many Panama hats in the crowd. He was right and his father sat through the whole 160 laps with that sorry-assed ,ugly hat on. Even I felt it was an affront to Dave's manhood and dignity. Tim wore nondescript clothes, as well as Todd and myself. Todd sat next to a young couple who like all the other fans were Junior Earnhardt followers. Todd also paid $5 for a sheet of paper with radio frequencies that allowed him to tune his scanner to team conversations. He looked with lust at some new contraption that was an official Nascar radio in bright yellow colors with yellow headphones. My money is on Little Darlin' having one of those this coming weekend for Bristol. Dave immediately picked up a middle-aged Carl Edwards groupie that told him all the secrets of Nascar and her life. Tim and I went to pick up our prepurchased box lunches compliments of Sandy Kay, which possibly was the best money spent on the whole trip. A sandwich, chicken ,baked beans , and cookies for less that $15 a head. It was a deal, plus you got 2 drinks of your choice. The beers were selling for $4 a can , and man were those Hoosiers putting them away! We had great lower level seats directly across from the entrance to pit row, and directly down from Junior's pit. Man there were some tight, tight ,curvaceous asses climbing up on top of those crew chief thrones, but that's another story. The race started and all living hell broke loose!! I have watched Nascar for years ,yet nothing in all my years could prepare me for the noise level of 43 cars as they came around the track at speed at the end of lap 1. Jeff Burton was an orange blurr as he broke the sound barrier in front of our seats, followed by 42 other screaming minions of hell in vivid colors not seen on the best tv. They were all cruising at nearly 200 mph, and it was truly just a Sunday afternoon drive for the boys.Dave kept going down the bleachers to smoke, and we wondered why, after all ,everyone else in the stands were lighting up or were already lit ,whichever the case might have been. I think he was trying to get away from his amorous little friend. I had given her the parts of my lunch that I didn't want, after all she was Dave's friend. Tim as usual ate all of his lunch and I believe Little Darlin had eaten all of his as well. We were in the shade but it was a hot day and the rednecks below us were under the influence and had a spray bottle of water that they constantly sprayed on their friends to cool down ;
I hope it was water. Their aim was erratic and we all got sprayed. The more they drank the more they sprayed. I didn't protest because a couple were big old redneck sons of bitches that reminded me of Larry the Cable Guy. Besides it felt good . I think they got some on Dave's panama hat but he took it pretty well. He has been known to jump up and tackle people at social gatherings , but he is running for office and is on best behavior , even at Indy. I was counting the seconds it took for the lead cars to travel the 2 and one half mile track and they did it in 43 seconds. Talk about rock and roll!! Half way through I put in ear plugs and Tim didn't . Dave didn't either, but I think it was because he had to converse with his groupie as she ate my chicken.It was not a pretty picture. Well Jimmy Johnson won and everyone booed. As we were leaving the race vendors were selling the discarded racing tires for $15 apiece. We weren't interested, but they sold plenty. We sat motionless for 2 hours waiting to leave our close ,reserved parking space. The parking lot was a mixture of drinking, but mellow,red neck drunks in a variety of diversions. The most interesting was a group who had purchased one of the big old tires. I have never seen such a good time being had as they each nearly had orgasmic experiences with the tire. One little chubby vixen seemed to think this smelly rubber tire was the crown jewels. Lord if I had thought Sandy would have been so pleased I would have brought her a whole set! All in all the race was loud , rambunctious, and entertaining. I'm nearly deaf and I'm in a weakened mental condition from Dave's antics, but I'll survive. We're already planning for next year. We'll be Junior fans, cause that's cool, but Dave has to let the stupid hat and his groupie go.
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