My State Of The Union 2008

Well 2008 has quietly come in, and like the Governor and President Bush it's time for my state of the Union report. Having been married for 34 years already, and having lived in the same house those same 34 years , and starting on my 30th year with the same job , to say that I am conservative is quite the understatement. Somehow we bought the little cottage next door from a gay guy who had just purchased it.Now I didn't want the house but the lad priced it too cheap. We gave him the money, and he gave me a hug, and I finally finished completely remodelling the thing two years and thousands of dollars later. The little cottage is only 1100 square feet , and somewhere Sandy and I lost our minds and decided to move in.We left 3600 square feet next door for the baby slum cottage. It's a whole lot warmer in the winter , and a whole lot easier to heat with adequate insulation and a heat pump.This spring I start working on the old behemoth in hopes of selling it , and maybe baby slum house as well. The big house was originally started in 1868, and the whole neighborhood has always been afraid of it because of ghosts. One old lady jumped to her death around the turn of the century from my bedroom window, while the story is that another man hanged himself in a barn that was adjacent to the house. The only scary things that I ever saw was when Sandy's ancient great aunts would visit and were very liberal walking around semi- clothed, actually semi- naked is more apt. What is it about senior citizens that makes them want others to see their wrinkled underparts??I think I was emotionally scared seeing Aunt Marietta's upper nakedness one winter night. It certainly didn't bother her. I really don't know that she knew the extent that gravity had caused parts to go south. Another time Uncle Earl was lying in a front bedroom with a night lamp illuminating his emaciated , ninety year old face. I thought it was a fresh corpse, but he ate breakfast the next morning.I never saw any ghosts , but I feel they probably left when I moved in.I know that nearly 35 years ago when I moved in, the old lawn was a forest of ancient mature trees, so many in fact that in the fall of 1974 we raked up over 90 bags of leaves. The only thing outnumbering the trees were garter snakes. Every time I was picking up leaves to bag I inadvertantly picked up writhing masses of the ill humored little serpents. Yuck! The only thing I hate worse than snakes are babies picking their noses. The trees are all gone through wind storms, old age , and just too much maintenance. So in 2008 we are in a smaller house without steps and with more privacy than in the corner lot before. The Hollywood whores are still misbehaving, and they have even gotten Doctor Phil involved. That was really dumb on his part to get drawn in; maybe he isn't as smart as I thought.Barack has gotten Oprah involved in his campaign. I don't understand this Oprah thing either.Hillary and Bill aren't looking so good, and Pretty Boy dropped out and took his $400 haircut back home to North Carolina. I wish all the current candidates would quit and get some fresh ones. I miss little Ross Perot with his banjo ears and charts. I wouldn't vote for him, I just miss him. Now Dennis Kuchinich, the one time Boy Wonder has gotten old and shrunk to the size of an elf. He's so far left that I think Ralph Nader would be scared of him. McCain, if elected he would be the oldest man ever elected to the office. He scares me. Romney?? He should be married to John Kerry's wife , the pickle woman. Guiliani left Florida, A distant third and Fred took his babe back to Tennessee. Talk of Bloomberg keeps coming up, and I hope he keeps his money in New York.This could be the first Presidential election I haven't voted in since I was 18. And our new Governor? He won't be happy until he repays his underworld gambling friends off with new casinos in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. What can you expect from a weasly lawyer? Our Lieutenant Governor has an early twenties wife, or maybe girlfriend. I don't know if they're married. I just know he's too old for her, especially with his ambition in politics.We're still in Afghanistan and Iraq. Time to get out.Let's take the war money and put it in health care for our own people.I'm trying to think of what I'm going to spend my $6oo government economy stimulent money on. If Sandy deoesn't get it first I may go to NYC and walk over to Brooklyn again this spring. I haven't fought any duels this past year , but I have been perilously close.Sandy went to Gatlinberg this past weekend and my brother asked what I was going to do Saturday night. Right. What do 58 year old men do on Saturday nights? The same things they did when they were 57 or 56 . They stay home with the slum houses and the slum neighbors. Remember this isn't the Green Zone. It's always condition orange on Helm And Moon Streets.My niece has a boyfriend that reminds me of Bobby Brown, so I have renamed her Whitney. They seem to be oblivious to anything but each other.She has a Cairn Terrier with protruding bottom teeth that I have remed "Bucky". He can destroy a house in two hours . We should send lots like him to Iraq. I guarantee the insurgents would surrender fast.I really don't have any complaints other than the previous ones, but I kind of miss Rosie and Donald.The Dixie Chicks are long overdue another meltdown, and the Baldwins always have something up their sleeves.What's with Paris??Haven't heard from her. I hope this year is wetter than last. One office in Lancaster wrote"Remember Rain?" on their outside message board. Atlanta is a lot worse than we are. Maybe it's Al Gore's global warming.One thing is certain : cream always rises to the top. Viva Hollywood!