Key West

Over the past few years fate has somehow ordained that I would be a party to brief visitations to the Southernmost city in the Continental US-- Key West , Florida. Having had more than its share of genuine characters in its past, the city seems in no danger of losing even a percentage of its resident hooligans. Long known for Ernest Hemmingway and his antics at Sloppy Joes, his frequent watering hole, the city probably is much like he left it at his untimely death. Hemmingway left a legacy as a genius writer and hard drinking scoundral, yet his most talked about link in Key West is the tribe of oddly mutated cats with an extra toe on each front paw. These felines, like the legion of scrawny bantam like chickens, wander the streets at will, and without enemies save for the occasional aging yankee in his rental convertible that often leaves a ball of feathers or cat pelt smashed on the narrow blacktop trails leading to Duvall Street. Key west is perhaps one of the few remaining tourist haunts in the US where you're awakened from your $200 a night room to ugly little bags of feathers crowing angrily at the rising sun. I can personally vouch that the place would be far more pleasant and clean if the police were allowed free hunting with a double barrel twelve gauge and a load of birdshot on these miserable creatures, The chickens only live to eat ,defecate, and procreate; yet in hindsight that's what most of my buddies do, and noone is hunting them with birdshot, except for a few ex-wives. Back to Duvall Street one's sense of normalcy is laid to rest as every dreg of society from pickpockets, hustlers, streetpeople, hookers, and con artists meld somehow together to lend a festive air. Tourists come here and spend bunches of money to be insulted, conned, and treated badly. They find amusing the things that people are regularly arrested for in Times Square. Let the day draw to a close and everyone heads to Mallory Square to watch the sunset and the performers. Junk is sold and everyone is drinking silly little beverages with paper umbrellas, while every Jimmy Buffet wannabee is Singing Margaritaville with a cup close by for donations. Mr. Buffet himself comes in regularily to his Margaritaville Restaurant and his giftshop. You can always tell when he's visiting because there's a fleet of Brinks Trucks to take his money to his island estate. You know where it's 5 O'clock somewhere? The streets are filled with gross sights of fat,obese yankee men and women riding rental bicycles with far too skimpy shorts and tops displaying obscene draps of flesh. What possesses these grandparents to display unsightly old ,fleshy bodies while they're in Key West? Do they cross The Seven Mile Bridge and suddenly want to display their white corpulent, disease ridden bodies?Does Sam and Lucille from Buffalo suddenly think that society wants to see their drooping ass cheeks as they placidly peddle their bikes down Duvall?? I think not. There should be some remnants of decorum even after crossing the bridge. And street people. These characters have been here so long that their bodies look like my old Sperry Topsiders after a Summer on Cumberland Lake. They have not one ounce of body fat on their filthy bodies, as they scrounge behind the restaurants in competition with the cats and chickens for morsels of homosexually produced finger food from fruity little restaurants with French names and Cuban food. Everything is a "wrap" with red wine something and balsamic vinegar. I promise you can't find a balogna and cheese any nearer than Tavanier, and that can be doubtful. Every year in October is when there is a week of debauchery nonpareil called Fantesy Fest , when even the wild ways are topped! The clothing du jour is body paint for women and alcohol for the men . Everyone participates, regardless of sexual persuasion, body type or financial standing. Did I mention Key West is an outpost of homosexuality, for women as well as men? I guess in hindsight that it is an outpost for a lot of things. For some it is a group of middleaged men being led around by wives and being admonished to "Put your Eyes back in your head!" If at times I seem weary of the Conch Republic , I must be excused as fatigued. Come October I'll be searching for Cheap Miami Tickets, and the best rental car deals. Its become a ritual ,and I look forward to the ugly ,depraved sights. If Sandy would just consider letting us plan for Fantasy Fest week. Right. It won't happen.