Speaking of Botany

As spring fast approaches here in Kentucky I was walking through my yard and surveying the usual sad shape of the lawn, when I came up with the idea that we as humans are really no different than plants. Here at the end of March most of us are coming out of the doldrums of winter , and our exubrance at the coming warmth and sunshine is tempered by the pallid colors of our too-fat and flabby bodies. I sensed that life ,like my lawn is full of weeds and a few flowers, along with the usual wannabees that change their stations from time to time. Take me for instance, I've always been a weed, and always will be ; but remember- not all weeds are created equal. Some weeds are reprehensible and scorned by humanity, as in the lowly crab grass ,or what gardener hasn't cursed chickweed as it grows like a cancer amongst the obedient and doting vegetables? Other weeds have grown followers and cult status as in Tobacco for its nicotine and marijuana for the obvious highs.I began to think of colleagues and fellow workers and what their plant world status might be.Take Maynard the Mighty for instance. Maynard does not have to prove himself to anyone ,yet who would have thought his start as a small brier would have grown to such a formidable businessman whose sense of acuity is a legend at the boat dock. How did such a phenomenon occur you might ask? Well Maynard married a red rose and as they twined and twined he became a force to be reckoned with , as in Jimmy Grove and Barbara Allyn. They had Olive and she came out as an azelea, fiery red in color and temperament. Just a couple of weeks ago she was breezing through Wal-mart and caught her elegant, trailing, but highly fashionable scarf in the shopping cart wheels, and had to be extricated by store personnel. True story, yet even the prettiest azalea falls to frost every once in a while. Pepper Anderson , ever the enigma and feared office manager has taken up golf! I overheard Jimmy Olson giving her a gift the other day, and low and behold it was a dozen psychedelically colored golf balls!! Talk about an alliance and friendship made in hell! Good Lord these drifting spirits have found companionship in golf- the sport invented for the weak and infirm! I have come to believe that Jimmy is still recovering from his inflamed uvula, and that Pepper is on some sort of middle-aged crusade that only women and other golfers can comprehend. For their new-found affability I must elevate them to the status of desirable plants and hereafter they shall be a cabbage and a head of lettuce. I can't quite give them a flowering status because of the golf defect, but nonetheless they can be found on the gardening trays at Leroy Boone's Hardware store. If Jimmy would just quit wearing those silly little short socks with the dangling balls. Now Lois Lane , pure and simple is without a doubt an ornamental plant and it is quite easy to ascertain what variety she is. Last year she went to some strange store and bought everyone in the sawdust Kingdom these weird plants called "Sensitive Plants". Talk about a plant with a strange habit-- just touch one of these little bushes and the leaves curled up where you touched it!! The thing just begged for you to touch it to watch it curl up in embarrassment. Maybe the thing is just bashful, but I feel it has the most chronic case of an inferiority complex in the plant kingdom. I took mine home and messed with it every time I passed by. It shrivelled up every time I forgot to water it , but miraculously sprang back up when it rained. I loved the plant so much that I left it out all winter . I fear the thing was too sensitive and expired around 15 degrees. For her love of this plant I ordain Lois lane to be A "Sensitive Plant". I married Sandy Kay because of her disposition and her cheerful personality and she is undoubtedly a cheery little pansy as it brightens up the early days of spring. Her brother ,Old Timothy A. however is an enigmatic eggplant. Why an eggplant? Because like Tim' the eggplant will never, ever tell you anything. All this foolishness comes to a culmination as to my own status as a plant. What type of weed am I going to be? After much thought and inner reflection I must admit to being Kudzu, because I,Like this invasive plant have run rampage in Eastern Kentucky for years, which isn't all bad. After all Maynard got his rose, but I stole a pretty brown-eyed pansy. Olh Hazmit got grey sweatpants. Read about him at http://hazmit.blogspot.com./